New dad leaves home for 4 days, gets annoyed when his wife asks him to feed their 12-week old immediately after he gets back: 'Can I just have 5 minutes to get my stuff all in the house?'

Author image for Emmy Pratt
Emmy Pratt • Writer and Editor
Sep 26, 2024 4:00 PM EDT

There's no way of knowing how crazy it is to have a newborn until you actually have one. Everyone talks about how stressful it is to feed them, hold them constantly, and wake up every 2-3 hours at night to do both of those things. Having the life of a totally helpless person in your hands is stressful enough, but if you're doing it all alone, all day, you can start to get a little batty. 

People don't say, "It takes a village to raise a child," for no reason. It's important for both parents to contribute to the care of their child, even if one has been working all day. A stay-at-home parent to an infant is on the clock literally 24/7, and working parents at least get bathroom breaks. The father of a newborn learned that after coming home from a 4-day work trip to his wife, desperate for his help.

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  • 01
    Cheezburger Image 10409352960
    via Getty Images (Unsplash+)

    This image is for illustration only, and the subjects are models; the image does not depict the actual subjects of the story.

  • 02
    AITA - Home from 4 days away and asked by my wife to feed our 12 week old
    via u/schrinky
  • 03
    So my question is, I got back from my 4 day swing away from home for work and arrived home this morning after night shift and a 3hr drive home. I walked in with my esky that had all my meals and my empty containers and my lunchbox in my arms. My wife (whom I was very much looking forward to seeing) has gone to hand me the bottle for our 12 week old son and said "here you are home, you can feed him" to which I responded "can I just have 5 minutes to get my stuff all in the house" she is now at me
    via u/schrinky
  • 04
    Snackinpenguin Dude. Even though you were working 4 days away, I'm assuming that you got breaks to eat, and break after your shift or work day ended. Maybe some adult level conversation. Your wife with a 12 week old, got none of that. She was essentially on the clock the entire time you were gone as I'm assuming your kid at that age was up requiring feeding every 2-3 hours. So, while asking for 5 whole minutes is reasonable, she clearly felt unsupported while you were gone and was ready for you
    via u/Snackinpenguin
  • 05
    MoreCleverUserName Wife probably didn't even get a full 5 minutes to shower, since infants need so much attention.
    via u/MoreCleverUserName
  • 06
    -Flamingo5420 This. No matter how exhausting work was, it was always a break compared to being with my baby at home
    via u/****-Flamingo5420
  • 07
    MamaGuava15 It breaks my heart a little that the OP, and I'm guessing a lot of men, can't see this. If your partner immediately and desperately asks for help the moment you walk in, it's because she's barely surviving and needs the help. To assume otherwise does make you the A. The wife probably had a glazed over look and immediately went to the bathroom to shower but somehow even that didn't make it obvious to the OP. It's like when the paramedics arrive they don't expect a polite welcome and a
    via u/MamaGuava15
  • 08
    NaraFei_Jenova Yeah, IMO it's not so much that he was asking for 5 minutes, but HOW he asked. "Can I just have 5 minutes to get my stuff all in the house?" sounds so much harsher/more tone-deaf than "Sure! Give me just a couple minutes to get this stuff in the house and I'll get it taken care of!" Asking for 5 mins is fine, being about it isn't.
    via u/NaraFei_Jenova
  • 09
    Striped Badger A bit YTA, yeah. Softly though. But the newborn's needs come first. You feed the baby then you put your stuff away. You feed the baby then you might get to go pee. You feed the baby, then you can hug and tell people you missed them. Don't try to grump about that delay on the person who's had to get up every 2-3 hours without help the last week to do every feeding.
    via u/StripedBadger
  • 10
    camomaniac There's no here.. just new parents
    via u/camomaniac
  • 11
    schrinky OP Looks like I'll have to cop being the . I did not mean to be like that at all and clearly she needed me more than I needed to put the stuff in my arms away. Noted and in future I'll have to make sure I'm thinking more about her.
    via u/schrinky
  • 12
    Mandaloriana_2022 Hey Op! Keep an eye on this. When you leave, are meals prepped? Are there other people who can come in and support her by giving her breaks? Helping her clean the house and give her time to shower? At this stage in the game (the 4th trimester) is about surviving and keeping your sanity. Her body is still healing, full of hormones and a baby is physically draining while not necessarily providing mental stimulus. No one to talk to really and lots of alone time.
    via u/Mandaloriana_2022
  • 13
    She gave you no time to even go to the bathroom when you came in because she was done. Absolutely exhausted. If this continues to be the case, make sure you all make a plan before you leave again. I get your point of view, really, but being on call every 2-3 hours with a human baby is no joke and can lead to PPD. Communicate with her and talk to her. Make a plan for next time-If there is a next time when you have to leave.
    via u/Mandaloriana_2022
  • 14
    I hope you can have an at-home date night soon and that you can both feel supported and heard. This first year is tough with all the firsts... next comes teething at 4-6 months. If things keep going this way, I hope you can both lean on each other and find support in your village. Best wishes!
    via u/Mandaloriana_2022
  • 15
    IHaveSomeOpinions09 That's an excellent point. There are a lot of fathers/non- primary parents who feel like they can't do much in the first few months, especially when the child is nursing. Meal- prepping for him being away for four days is a good place to start, or arranging for a friend/family member to come in for a few hours to hold the baby so his wife could shower and nap.
    via u/IHaveSomeOpinions09
  • 16
    ElephantBumble I don't know if my husband googled "how to be a good husband post partum" but he really seemed to nail it. He understood the brief of I look after baby, he looks after me. He would get my breakfast ready while I fed, everytime I sat to feed he would bring me water, do everything except feed (as I was breastfeeding). Even when he was back at work he would fill up water bottles and place one on each couch for me before he left. There's so much a partner can do to help, even if baby
    via u/ElephantBumble
  • 17
    Ok_Budget5785 I'm sure your wife would trade 3 hours of driving for 3 hours of feeding, changing, & cleaning your son. YTA
    via u/Ok_Budget5785
  • 18
    Meatloaf Lipstick NAH - I used to be the same way after 12-16 hrs working and then sometimes get home and my wife would hand me the baby and leave. Then, my wife went to a funeral out of state for 3 days and I took care of the baby at home. That's when I learned that it is a 24hr a day, frustrating, little to no adult interaction, thankless job. After that experience, I would make time to "take over" right when I got home for at least a few hours, until that "we might end up on Dateline" feeling
    via u/Meatloaf_Lipstick
  • 19
    Dizzy-Masterpiece879 Probably going against the grain here. Mum of two grown boys here. She could have given him a few minutes to get in the house and dump his stuff. He could have said absolutely. Give me two mins to get in then I'm there. Baby can wait two mins. Mum can leave it all out for him and go do her own stuff. Leave baby in her cot or crib or whatever. Then dad can come in calmly and feed baby. I agree newborns are hard work. But I would never have dumped the bottle at someone walking
    via u/Dizzy-Masterpiece879

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